Lost

The rain falls. The sun soaks it back up into the atmosphere. The clouds pour the rain.
The antelope dies. The lion eats the antelope. The lion grows strong, and the antelope carcass becomes one with the dirt. The circle of life continues.
A boy is born. A boy grows into a man. A man falls in love with a woman. They get married, have children, their children have children, and the cycle continues.
It seems everything we have come to know on this planet is always a part of a cycle, even bigger than the one before it. Life as we know it, is one giant connection. Something always falling into the perfect place, at the perfect time. And it seems as if, everything knows exactly where it is supposed to be, and how it is supposed to fall into place..

My Reasons

 There is nothing quite like the constant push-pull of relationships. Loving one person completely, trusting them with your life and giving them more than you have ever received is what is expected out of most commitments. So, at the end of the day, have you ever asked yourself why exactly? Why do we go out of our way to care for this person, why do we put their needs before our own? I What is it that makes us “crazy” for them?

This question has snaked its way to my train of thought in the recent days. Not necessarily because I question my love for him, but more rather how I got myself into this position of loving this man more than I ever thought possible. So, in order to get my thoughts in order, I made a list. A simple list, right? That would surely remind me how I fell in love and why I continue to love Austin. I wrote some things like “he plays the best kinds of video games” and “he loves his family” and other facts  such.

I looked at this list and nodded my head, agreeing with the list for the reasons why I love him. But as the list became longer and longer, my reasons for loving him seemed to broaden, and it didn’t even make sense anymore. I questioned it. I loved Austin because he plays a specific set of video games? Because he loves his family? That didn’t sit well with me, it didn’t feel right. Those were things I’ve come to love about him, not why I loved him the way I do. This made me think about how many couples in this day and age talk about their significant other like they’re a new phone with improved features than their previous. “This one has 600GB” is the same as “This one texts me goodnight and goodmorning every day”. They brag about their significant others as if they’re a new toy near Christmas; but I don’t feel that way about Austin.

When people ask me, “Why do you love Austin?” I don’t automatically begin to spew off facts about his (amazing) personality like new features on a phone. I don’t even think of those. When faced with that question, I’m filled with a montage of memories all at once. I think about the way he smiles at me with his sleepy eyes in the morning, as he makes his way to the car. His hair either flying in different directions from sleep or straight down because he just took a shower. I think about the way his eyes light up when he talks about his passions, like growing, drawing, cars, weed, playing video games, etc. I think about the way he laughs; hearty, deep, and honest. I can hear his laugh as I type this. I think about the way Austin looks when he is focused on something, or when he’s making a decision, or just at a loss for words. I’ve come to study him and the way he processes things, followed by his expression and I love that. I think about Austin, for who he is, not for what he does. Who he is to the world, who he is to me, to his family, and who he is to himself.
He is kind. Austin has the kindest heart of anyone I have ever met. He cares about people more than himself. He puts others’ needs before his own. He thinks about other people’s well being. He doesn’t mind going out of his way for those he cares about. In fact, he enjoys it. Honestly, you tell me, do you like to help other people? It’s kind of a pain in the ass. I mean, of course you’ll help anyone who asks, but would you genuinely feel good about helping them? Probably not, but Austin would. Austin would feel something inside, knowing he helped someone out. He’s a good person. He has no intent to hurt anyone, just help them.

He is strong. My Austin has been through more in his 17 years of life than most middle aged people have experienced. He’s gone through hell and back, got back to the top and fell through to rock bottom. He’s been through it all… relationships, family, financials, a roof over his head, the system, fights, a loss... Yet, everyday, he amazes me with the way he just gets up and dusts himself off. He takes every scrape, cut and bruise. He feels the pain, but he just swallows it down and continues to move. He doesn’t know what’s waiting for him at the end of the road, he doesn’t know if he’ll even get there. Yet, he treks on everyday to that destination. He bottles everything inside in spite of himself, to spare others’ of pitying him and knowing his personal issues. He doesn’t want that, he'd rather face them alone. Instead, he beams his amazing smile that always reminds me that he really is one in seven billion, and he continues on like the champion he is. I love him for that, his immense strength, never wavering. Although, I’ll admit, I wish he would at least open up to me, but he is who he is and I don’t want him to change. I just want to help him when he’s in qneed.

He is smart. Put this into perspective. Austin smokes the most weed out of every person I know, yet, he is the smartest guy I’ve ever met. He gets shit done when it needs to be done. When he is in a situation, he thinks of every outcome and every possibility that could happen. He questions things, he doesn’t just accept it because ‘that’s the way it is’. I’d like to think that he has the mind of a scientist. He wants to know how that car works. In fact, he probably does, just by looking at it. What was it… V12 engine? Spoilers? Something-inch rims, something suspension? I’m learning, slowly but surely…

He is loving. For someone with thick skin and an, “idgaf” attitude toward most irrelevant things, he is so sweet and loving, he makes me wonder if this is what it’s like to be a Queen. He doesn’t just hold my hand while we walk to class. He’ll gently squeeze my fingers or run his thumb over my knuckles every now and a then, as if a silent way of reminding me he loves me. He doesn’t just rub my head or my arms, he puts love into every bit of pressure while relaxing me. Even on my bad days he tells me I'm beautiful. He kisses my lips like I’m the last drop of ice water on a mid-June day. He hugs me like I’m his childhood blanket on a thunderous night.

He is kind, he is strong, he is smart, he is loving… so, are these the reasons I love Austin? Four, plain adjectives define my love for my soulmate?

No.

There are no reasons for loving someone like Austin White. No.. with someone like him, you fall in love with those four plain adjectives in the very beginning. Those traits are what draws you in, like a hungry bass to a baited hook. With someone like Austin, you fall in love with him, more and more, as each day goes by. Maybe Monday you’ll notice the way his eyelashes curl and you’ll love him more, or maybe Tuesday you’ll notice the way he walks on his toes and fall even deeper in love, or Wednesday you’ll notice the way he fiddles with his chin hair when he’s paying attention in class, and you’ll want him forever.

Whatever it is you notice, you’ll keep falling for him, and it will never stop. I fell in love with Austin slowly, but in the past four months, it’s been all at once, everyday. I will continue to love him every day for the rest of my life, more and more. With the way I feel towards him, I know in my heart that it will never change. My love for this man is nothing short of overwhelming. I have my lowest days, my days in which I completely hate myself and what I've become, days I want to get on a bus and disappear, days I feel worthless, and days I no longer wish to live. But when he acomes to mind, I just start smiling and feeling this warm intenseness throughout my body and my heart starts to do this strange skip, and it's like feeling every happy emotion you've ever felt, but all at once. At this point, I’m at a loss for words. I’m a writer, I don’t get at a loss for words. There are ALWAYS words bouncing in my train of thought. But when Austin is boarded on this train, I can’t think of anything else besides those four plain adjectives… Kind, strong, smart, and loving. Him.

Hey readers.
Shit... It's been quite some time since I've written, huh? I apologize for that.

So today was the first day of school. It was pretty cool being back, given that I have something to focus on and take my mind off of things for a while.
Then Cameron kiked me, saying he doesn't feel the same way and he's "really sorry" about leading me on.

Pfft.Typical.

But, I guess I always saw this coming. It just sucks that it's actually here.
I'll be okay though, I know that.

I have pretty cool classes- it'll be a shit-ton of work, but I think I can manage, it doesn't seem TOO difficult.

Well, wish me luck, readers. This year's gonna be tough.

I give up on love. I give up completely.

The next person I date, will be the person I marry. I'm done with the highschool bullshit

I am a troubled teen

It's been a while! Hey everyone.

Update. So last week Wednesday, Cameron and I kissed. Since then, we've been having a thing. He calls me babe, we kiss, ugmgmgmgmgm

I like him , I do. I honestly don't see it lasting that long but we'll see!